Conflict Resolution 101
"To live above with saints we love, that will be glory.
But to live below with saints we know, now that's a different story!"When I was training in college to enter youth ministry, I often mentally bemoaned the lack of "real world courses" that would prepare me for my journey. Now, more than four decades along, I stand by my youthful thoughts. One such course could have been titled, "Conflict Resolution 101." Whether it is a parent who is furious because you are not treating their child "fairly" or a board member who thinks the music in the youth service is "of the devil," conflicts are a natural part of youth ministry. Let me walk you through a few of the things I remind myself during these seasons:
Follow the "101% Principle."That means, find the 1% where you can honestly agree with the other person and give it 100% of your emotional energy at the beginning of your discussion. Half the battle is defused and won if the other person feels truly listened to and understood. So don't start out with defending your position. Begin the discussion by agreeing with them wherever you can.
Always love people more than opinions.Anyone who loves his opinions more than the people around him will invariably defend his opinions and lose his relationships. That's a poor trade-off in any book. The parent or board member you are talking with will forget the specifics of your actual disagreement quickly. But they will remember for a long time the attitude they sensed from you as you shared with each other.
Don't drop a bomb when a slingshot will work!In other words, don't overreact to a conflict by making it a bigger deal than it really is. The "HALT Principle" helps me with this one. Before I deal with a challenging situation, I ask myself if I am "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired." If I am any one of these four adjectives, I tell myself to "HALT!" and wait until later to handle the situation.
"To live above with saints we love, that will be glory.
But to live below with saints we know, now that's a different story!"When I was training in college to enter youth ministry, I often mentally bemoaned the lack of "real world courses" that would prepare me for my journey. Now, more than four decades along, I stand by my youthful thoughts. One such course could have been titled, "Conflict Resolution 101." Whether it is a parent who is furious because you are not treating their child "fairly" or a board member who thinks the music in the youth service is "of the devil," conflicts are a natural part of youth ministry. Let me walk you through a few of the things I remind myself during these seasons:
Follow the "101% Principle."That means, find the 1% where you can honestly agree with the other person and give it 100% of your emotional energy at the beginning of your discussion. Half the battle is defused and won if the other person feels truly listened to and understood. So don't start out with defending your position. Begin the discussion by agreeing with them wherever you can.
Always love people more than opinions.Anyone who loves his opinions more than the people around him will invariably defend his opinions and lose his relationships. That's a poor trade-off in any book. The parent or board member you are talking with will forget the specifics of your actual disagreement quickly. But they will remember for a long time the attitude they sensed from you as you shared with each other.
Don't drop a bomb when a slingshot will work!In other words, don't overreact to a conflict by making it a bigger deal than it really is. The "HALT Principle" helps me with this one. Before I deal with a challenging situation, I ask myself if I am "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired." If I am any one of these four adjectives, I tell myself to "HALT!" and wait until later to handle the situation.
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This Youth Leader's Coach, "A Youth Leader's Guide To Clean Fights," focuses on how to handle the normal conflict situations that inevitably arise in youth ministry. I suggest six principles to help you get angry without becoming destructive. These principles will be effective with your students, your senior pastor, your leadership team, your deacon board and even your family. As a matter of fact, these principles work when I deal with anger directed towards my most common challenge-myself.
So it really is possible, even in youth ministry, to "fight clean." It's not only possible, it's essential for solid youth ministry and lasting relationships. Happy Listening.
Living out Ephesians 4:26,
"Effective discipline in youth ministry, that's a tough one to figure out. Lots of times we swing the pendulum from one side to the other, we either have very little discipline and the kids run over us if we have more than 20 students involved, or we go to the other side of the fence and we're very militaristic.
In over 35 years of youth ministry, I've seen it all. In this Youth Leader's Coach, "Effective Discipline In Your Youth Ministry," listen as I walk you through in some ways that I have used successfully to not just discipline my kids, but used them as opportunities to disciple them, bring them closer to Jesus Christ and start them on a lifetime of success.
Lovingly yours,
Conflict in youth ministry is always present. As Charlie Brown once said, "I love mankind, it’s just people that I can’t stand." The truth is...where there are people, there's conflict. According to a Stanford University study, the success of an individual in corporate America depends only on 15% product knowledge, but 85% people knowledge. I think the same thing applies in youth ministry.
My life in youth ministry over the decades has had all sorts of opportunities to handle conflict. This is such a critical skill to have in ministry! I pray that you'll apply these ten principles to the conflict you are bound to encounter in your own ministry.
Your "long-distance" cheerleader,
When it comes to conflict are you a "Hider," "Hurter," or "Healer"? As you might guess, to be a "Healer" is the desired answer, but not always the easiest to pull off. Using Matthew, Ephesians and Galatians as our text, in this Youth Leader's Coach we learn how to speak the truth in love and gently guide those we love back onto the right path.
While no one in their right mind enjoys confrontation, if we are going to make a difference for Jesus Christ, learning how to do this well is crucial. "Caring Enough To Confront" is an essential part of helping move people toward maturity in Christ. So, grab a cup of coffee and learn from my recent struggles and victories as we navigate this challenging world...together!
Lovingly,
When I was training in college to enter youth ministry, I often mentally moaned about the lack of "real world courses" that would prepare me for my ministry journey. Now, more than four decades along, I stand by those early thoughts. One course I wish they taught in college was "Conflict Resolution 101." After all, it's everywhere! Whether it's a parent who is furious because you're not treating their child "fairly" or a church member who thinks the music in the youth service is "of the devil," conflicts are a natural part of ministry.
The truth of the matter is where there are people, there is conflict. Yet, it's important for all of us as leaders to be able to deal with conflict in the right way. If we don't, unresolved conflict, in any arena, can "eat away" at even the strongest of us.
That is why we're sharing "10 Principles For Handling Youth Ministry Conflict" in this Alliance. In the video you'll hear ten practical and healthy ways to handle the very thing we often want to shy away from -- conflict. Unresolved conflict with pastors, leaders, parents, and students is easily one of the top things that take people out of ministry. Sad but true. However, if unresolved conflict can take people out, that means restored peace can help keep people IN the ministry for the long haul! That's sure our heart!
